Desolation

Desolation, Kelsey Weirick, mixed media on canvas, 2021

Shadow Work, Dark Night of the Soul, and what I’ve learned from it.

This first piece in my latest series is yet another piece in my quest to “Know Thyself”. As I unearth more and peel through the many layers of self and of walls that I carefully constructed throughout my life, I keep coming across frustrations, self rejection and impatience. The textures and movement in this piece are a bit chaotic, much like my state of mind at the time to say the least. I was battling with the concept of being enough, being social enough to become an artist and promote myself, being enough to be loved for who I am, being good enough of an artist to be worth seeing.

All of these small pieces of my inner shadow create a whirlwind for my subconscious to get caught in so it can stay small, compact, rigid. Knowing these truths that I force into reality, the child crying who does not feel seen, refusing to let others see them because they know nothing else. This is the painting during which I surrendered. The shadow has seemingly become such a vilified concept within the ‘love and light"‘ spiritual community, looming over like a storm to be conquered. Associated with the shadow is the unhealed, the unawakened, unworthy if untamed.

This idea of the “good” and the “bad” feelings are what keeps us all apart, why when we worship false idols they fall so far if they step out of the light we shine on them. I suppose my dark night of the soul was really due to my resisting the ultimate truth of divine neutrality. In Meditations, Marcus Aurelius shines light on the fact that all things are neutral, we simply apply our ideals of good and bad through our own lenses that are distorted from our life experiences. We try to protect ourselves from the “bad” things that have hurt us, thereby rejecting anything that we do not already know. It is limiting, but it is safe. Or is it? How many times have I found myself in disappointing relationships (romantic and platonic), jobs that made me feel like I was in a birdcage, numbly scrolling through social media, all because I simply already knew them?

I’m sure you can relate.

Unknowingly, these walls prevent the soul from receiving the nourishment it needs and the desolation we face… is our own.

As I finished this piece, admiring (and mourning) the landscape of my mind, I gave gratitude. I was so grateful that I could finally understand why I always felt like I was chasing something, living in a state of lack. I have always admired the green gardens of others that accomplished their soul’s path and new I was following my path but never took the time to realize I was not watering my own garden. My plants in my apartment flourished and grew, but the ones within were quite sad to be honest. I had done so much journaling, meditating, seeking to understand my shadow, to see it for all that it was, and now it was time to plant the seeds of gratitude and self love so that I may grow and flourish as I was always meant to.

So, more or less, here is my before picture. A bit different than most!