Into the Void: Musings and ramblings of an artist (part 2)

Part 2, the artist in love.

To recap from the first post, I did not have an understanding of love or the emotional connection of love. As far as I had known life to be, things were simple, fun, superficial. I was just starting to learn my depths, and I had thought I had done healing, but it was really just an acceptance of what my life was: chapters.

So, there I was, 26 completely infatuated, working full time and making art. It was enthralling, magical, sublime. This is when I made my ship in the clouds painting, another exploration of self. For this painting, I chose to only use my favorite colors! I was a flying ship, the anchor could hold me down. I remember that the person I was dating and I had gotten into a pretty bad fight early on. It was the first time I really cried while in a relationship, and I was ready to jump ship. See, I had learned that fights weren’t love, but this time there was a rotten feeling within me, it felt like this fight had completely shaken my world. A sick part of me was intrigued, of course, remember that I said I love to learn?

I was able to complete this painting while in the process of working things out, trying to understand each other, being convinced by my best friend at the time that it was worth giving this person a shot. I contemplated anchors, their weight, their danger. Their utility. I contemplated the wearing of wood on old ships, was it a sign they had weathered storms, or was it simple deterioration? It was then that I realized I still had no idea how to speak about my feelings or how to put words to the heaviness of my heart or the confusion of my tears.

Then I painted the Stormy Seas. I chose black ink for the rain. Pure, clean water didn’t feel appropriate. Clear skies didn’t feel right. Turbulent waters felt like home.

He asked for his own ship painting later on, I could only think of dark colors. I painted a moon, because there is brightness there. There is hope. Until the next storm rolls in. During our breakup, I began my self portrait series, beginning with NIGHTCAP. This is where I really broke into my heart and finally made a connection, finally started seeing that woman for what she is and how far she’s come. Instead of hiding behind a ship, I wanted to show myself so I could see myself. It didn’t feel right to have full lighting though, I was still being uncovered. With moody Baroque lighting, my self portrait came to fruition. I love each of these paintings dearly. They all hold a piece of my soul. As I’ve written these weird diary-like blogs, I can feel how much I’ve really connected to myself and my heart over the past couple of years.

I think I’m going to have a lot of fun watching how my paintings evolve, and what sneaky ways I find to connect with myself in the future. Right now I’ve got two new paintings I have yet to post. They’re more surrealist than anything, but I think I like that style.

I guess the point I’m trying to get across here, if you’re still reading that is, is that I hope that like me, you can see a piece of yourself that may have been hiding when you look at my paintings. Do you connect? Can our souls see each other through these windows?