Into the Void: Musings and ramblings of an artist (part 1)

Who are you?

No, really, who are you?

Do you immediately think of some sort of group identifier? Mother, worker, hobby, class restriction? But who are you really? The words for sharing who you are at your soul level seem a bit private, don’t they? At least, that’s how I feel! A wall comes up, I want to show you my mirrors, my accomplishments, but the words seem to flee me as soon as I begin taken down those bricks one by one.

Growing up, I spent a lot of my time reading. I remember my pride in 3rd grade when my reading comprehension test reflected an 8th grade reading level, when my 8th grade reading comprehension test reflected a post-high school level. It was incredible, these heights let my imagination soar with the many worlds at my hands through books. Escape was only ever just a page away!

But then adulthood hit, and so did relationships.

I found that the superficial level of goofing around and just having fun was not enough to sustain genuine relationships, that emotions started to bleed into the innocence and made the waters of bliss murky. Without emotional connection, expansion was limited and fruitless. Causing or taking the bait to have fights proved futile in creating love, shattering my illusion of what love was. I didn’t understand childhood trauma yet. I decided that this concept must be beyond my understanding so I spent more years giving what little I understood to superficial friendships and relationships, never wanting to push it further.

While I didn’t have a lack mindset, I knew that there was more out there. There were depths to be discovered and it sounded like an adventure I would learn a lot in. I do love adventure, and I love learning, so it was a bright opportunity to move out of state and see if I could follow the calling to become an artist; a calling that had long vibrated in my soul. At this time I didn’t actually create very much art, maybe a painting or drawing here and there. In school I made a few pieces that felt good and received good attention but much like my relationships, it was all just at the surface.

I was learning well and having fun in the new state, having new experiences, learning more about myself. I had always taken a liking to the aesthetic of ships at sea, and when I painted my first one, I got it. It clicked. I had connected to Kels, her depths.

As silly as it sounds, I felt that I was that boat at sea. The chaotic feelings, the confusion, the bouncing waters, I finally felt understood even if just by myself. I made a choice to give the horizon a dark, stormy side to the left of the ship, and to the right (the side of the bow), a bright and hopeful opening.

I painted another ship that would look cool because it glows in the dark (this one is the silhouette with the vibrant yellow surrounding it if you want to buy! haha), but to be honest, because it was made to look cool I felt nothing. I didn’t paint another ship for a couple of years. My art continued to feel like assignments, most of it only being assignments. Then, at 26, I was blind-sighted by an all-encompassing love.

This has gotten pretty long, so check out part two!